Friday, March 5, 2010

"itlog na pula" (salted red egg.) Chapter 2.

As a child of the early 1990's I felt the effects of mt.Pinatubo's eruption early in life, My family's main source of livelihood was agriculture and lots of our farmlands where gobbled up by lahar and heavy ash fall, making it hard if not impossible for the soil to yield fruit. My mother's father was a green thumb, I must have taken after him, The sorrow in him was evident by his declining health, but that didn't break his spirit, he was too strong to stay down permanently, unfortunately, a couple of years after the volcano's eruption, my family still had livelihood problems which prompted my parents to leave the country when I was still an infant.

I felt every drop of love and every inch of sacrifice my mom's parents gave to me, my grandmother would take me to church on a bicycle and bought me fruits with the little money she had, when I was about six, I could remember it as if it only happened yesterday, I came home tired from walking and helping around in the farm and all there was to eat was a piece of "itlog na pula" (salted red egg.) without hesitation or any trace of uncertainty, my grandmother gave it to me, I gleefully ate it, but my jaw dropped with sadness when i saw her putting some salt into the platelet of rice she had and ate it in place of what she gave me.

"wag kang umiyak apo"(do not cry my child) she said with a sweet smile. "God is good, we are still here, there's no reason to feel sorry, we should be happy because we still have this blessing to share." those words echo in my head every single time I'm about to eat, which is why it has never been my habit to accept treat that is sweet and costly, I learned not to spend too much,
My only regret is that now that i can eat practically anything I want, The people I want to share with the most are already gone. I never talked back to my grandparents (mother's side) I had nothing but love, respect and positive feelings towards them, every Sunday my mom never looks for me, she knows I'm at the cemetery,spending quality time........

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Failure to blog.

My sister is around 15, she's not even a woman yet and she already has a mean streak even hell would envy, to be a teenager is often linked with rebellion and subversion, in my sister's case this is true, I'm not a person that would make up any excuse for not being around, It simply isn't possible to blog when your PC is down, how are the two topics related?
apparently, a few weeks ago, my sister got mad over a reason no one would tell me, in her anger, she threw the keyboard at the PC monitor, the witnesses said the keys got scattered all over the floor but they managed to repair it (the keyboard.) unfortunately my monitor didn't function well.

you can imagine an ugly fat guy like me looking up to the sky and yelling a prolonged version of the word "NO!!!!!" while raising my hands in a clenched position, reminds me of a pic from one of the books I read, my sister threw a fit as powerful as the eruption of mt. st.Helens complete with a volcanic explosivity index of 5! a plinian burst of anger! Unfortunately for her,when I throw a fit, the sun looks for shelter in the next galaxy, which explains why I've never thrown a real fit, my proof? the sun has never left its post! Nothing could make me spend another 20,000+ Filipino pesos for a new PC, besides, that would cost me another four years of saving, instead, I called fora technician, with a hard and silly expression of futile hope I said, maybe I can fix it, i mean, It's just a bundle of wires right?

I had absolutely no background in electronics, wiring or anything computer related, when i looked at the monitor, i said "what am i doing?? I'm! AAAAHHHH!!" to myself.
after about a week, i finally decided to call for a technician, i had to save money for the bill, I'm a very conservative person, i wouldn't spend a peso on candy even if i wanted to. When people start out poor, they realize the value of the cents that others throw away and the money many would use on vanity and etc, the only thing that costs a lot I have ever spent on is a PC and it takes years to save, this (PC) was only bought late last year.

The technician must have enjoyed working for us, in fact he only worked on it for half a day on a weekly basis, he spent the rest of the day chatting and eating and eating a bit more then talking to anyone around, taking a break then eating again, you can imagine the pain in my pockets, it took him weeks to get it fully functioning. My mother spent more on feeding the technician than the actual pay, The connection was rather slow and I've been using PC rentals for research, time is worth more than gold, and I wouldn't even sit there for over half an hour, as you can see, I'm back, not even an eruption with the likes of mt. Pinatubo coming from my sister can stop me from blogging permanently..... :)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


WOOF Contest – Top Picks


Jena Isle – “A Tryst on Valentine's DayBeing so in love is heaven.

Roy – “Candles, not flowers” - A valentine poem?

Prose / Memoir

Ajchtar – “Tales & Diary of MoccureedThe ravings of a 17 yr old., aspiring to become a writer.

Roy – “She will be 80 next monthA request for prayer.

Brought to you by PlotDog Press with the Serial Suspense Screenplay "Intervention"

(WOOF participants should re-post all the links above by next Monday. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Presenting the finest of the writer’s blogs by the bloggers who write them. Highlighting the top posts as chosen by the February 19, 2010 WOOF Contest participants. Want in to join the next WOOF? The next contest ends March 5. Submit a link to your best writing post of the last 3 weeks using the form on this page. Participants, repost the winning link list within a week and you’re all set.

Other Contest Entrants for 02/19/10


Dragon Blogger – “Thaw OutPoem about an ice storm meeting a warm front, inspired by 22 random words.

Zorlone – “A Poem for Valentine's DayI love you, should I say hello or goodbye?

Song Writing

Jena Isle – “The Perfect LadyWhen is someone perfect?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

"house made" over fastfood.

One thing that is very true about me is that I never eat fast food, I never did like half cooked or not well cooked meat. I do not know what is in french fries that make me upset, for one thing, they have nothing to do with being french. an old story i heard about how potato chips were made involved the chef being frustrated about his complaining customer and invented the chips as a prank. I do not know how much of the story is true.

I love eating "house"made, especially if I'm responsible for butchering the animal! (weeeeeeeeeeee! :D) I love cooking food, but you can never erase the critics from the face of the earth, luckily, the people who criticize my cooking just eat and nod in agreement.

I'm not a good cook, but I think I'm doing well with the food I cook. So far, I haven't displeased anyone badly. Food must be cooked and served with love1 not hurried! It loses it's taste, food is very delicate, unless you're cooking barbecue.

People should at least know how to fry an egg, it is easier than cooking fish and harder than drinking without throat diseases. I wouldn't try sashimi or puffer fish for any amount! money is useless to me when I'm dead! for good info on raw food probs, visit Jena isle's random thoughts ok! it is there!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

brother war.

I'm not his brother by blood but I always refer to him as my sibling, each time I walk with my brother, lots of people on the streets would either look at confusedly or turn away in painful regret of having looked at such an awful sight!- us, but that was back then, these days I'm other a heinous experiment gone worse or a hideous person, our elementary teacher once told us that we shouldn't be neighbors (seat mates.), as for bad feedback,we do not often get such comments but it really makes us laugh when we do, one way of taking an insult is laughing at it.I love how my brother is able to make things interesting when he's in the mood, but absolutely dislike it when he looks at things so loathsomely and without empathy,like a rock with eyes, A massive and scary boulder- that's how others would see him, I see differently, i see a disaster waiting to happen when i see my brother,he gives generously but sometimes he's just as cheap as me, if you're as cheap as me, you'd be in jail for tax evasion in no time flat! I recall how both of us always crave sleep and rest even when we've just woken up, it is said to be sloth, but who can blame people who get four hours of sleep max?

between us, I'm the one who's supposed to have a vesuvian temper but when around him, my volcanic wrath seems like a small firecracker, causing a lot of noise but hardly any damage, when brother goes wild, the birds flee with fright, well, not the airborne birds, I meant, the cowardly bystanders.

They say friendship is strengthened by conflicts and misunderstanding being mended, if the paradox "the more you hate, the more you love.' is right, then brother must love me-to death! At this point, nothing a bully can throw at me is capable of intimidating me the slightest bit! when brother has held a sharp nail against your throat, even a professional criminal can't surprise you! By that I mean we've had so many fights I can't recall how many I've won or lost, or how many injuries I've taken, I'm sometimes asked why I even come with him, sometimes they ask him the same thing, if twin minds think alike, we'd be twins, we usually give the same answer, it may seem rude but everyone we say it to ,doesn't really mind the reply ,"it's our business, we do not mind yours and what's it to you?", but in reality, we only gave that answer a few couple of times, luckily, we now say differently, every time I got into trouble with someone else, he'd be there to back me up, imagine two fat people standing up against a band of five or more, after all, he did study the martial art of "psycho!"

I never recalled anybody being able to hurt me with words as much as he does ,or hurt me physically as much, I can't recall anyone who does the same to him, all the times we smacked each other with lethal weapons made me recall how much we enjoyed laughing about it afterward and then we'd have the same question in mind and he usually asks first, "wha....wha? was it we was fightin, bout' again?" we'd laugh after his remark.

we have a different choice of music but we sometimes agree on the same kind, he listens to Bomb shells and I listen to volcanic eruptions, I can't recall a single moment spent with him that I've enjoyed without hating at the same time, or maybe I'm just forgetful, people have different ways of expressing anger and depression, around me, he just keeps silent and keep it in, if not, he'll intentionally get into a fist fight with me for the fun of taking his problems off his mind, when he loses, he enjoys it even more.

looking back at my old ways, i sometimes reflect and ask myself how we lasted like that for so long? my brother goes to the gym and works out, my only work out is carrying things in the farm, I deeply regret going to the city for my high school years, reflecting on all the years i had to stand up on my own made me feel comfort knowing how much I've picked up, looking at it from a different point of view, I can see how clearly psychotic we seemed, my brother may not share my blood but to me he'll always be my brother. "War is my brother and I Am un-Accomplished good deeds man-made tragedies. '

(no! this is not reality!! I am not a demented and sadizztic socio-psycopath, although maybe occasionally, that's not the point! point is - a real friend sticks to you till the last breath. War is usually the result of vanity and misunderstanding as well as pride, wrath and greedy envy, the above text is mixed with figurative speech. :)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Blogging for about 2 weeks now.

so far,I am happy to see all the supportive people of this site,It is a great privilege for me to enter the blogosphere through the incentive of such a good writer -Jena Isle, instead of just posting at where my friends are very limited, I'm happy to be in a site full of good writers and very supportive ones, I've realized that innovation mainly comes from support if not strife due to heavy criticism,in this case, I'm glad that I was given the great opportunity of entering supportive grounds full of adept writers, I sometimes if not most of the time feel unworthy to be here and hope I do not disappoint anyone,in my earliest days here I felt it would take months if not years before someone felt like commenting on my posts,I am really thankful to be in a peaceful environment of genuine interest and attentive readers, I am happy to even have followers in a time spanning less than two weeks,I started on the 21st of January and am pleased to have met Holly,jan, and doc zorlone as especially my blog mentor-jena.
I hope I do not disappoint anyone any time soon,forgive my shallow mind it needs more deepening or digging.:)

sweet innocence.

I recall the times when as a child, I thought nothing of taking a good bath in the rain and feeling the cool refreshing feel of water from heaven, or at least I thought the sky was heaven and that supernatural beings slept on clouds like any other young kid would.
I used to openly say, "ma! kaluguran da ka!" (mom, i love you!), now that I am older by at least half a decade I wonder where all those sweet thoughts went.

I am not a good looking person and I openly admit to having a face not even a mother could love! (lol!!....see what I mean by not being meant for stand up comedy? it's the truth! :) ) Sometimes people say their piece when it is far too late or when the one they love is about to meet their maker, its saddening to know how much time we spend with friends rather than our parents, it's not a bad thing to go with friends but that doesn't mean we should shove our parents away like used playthings that do not need attention. I'm not one to dictate on people, I myself have lot of personal animosity with others but with ignorant savages that do not know how to treat other people right.

Each day I think of how much I loved my childhood and why my childhood rapidly changed when my mother's parents left the world of mortals and returned to a peaceful place, (you will see it in my post, scheduled for posting on feb 5.) My mother was different from many parent i see that do not even share good moments with their parents once they have a family of their own, the time she spent with my Apo, (grandmother-mother of my mother.) while my apo was alive must have lessened the possible regret of not doing so while she was alive, during the funeral, she cried, not because of regret but because she would miss all the fun time, I feel envious when I recall my mother's lifelong good relationship to my Apo, I wish we shared the same. That however does not imply that we do not have a good relationship, the only thing that keeps me from seeing her is attending school! (lol!!...:) see, I really need a comedic teacher! lol! :) )

Parents work hard for the family and the only parent that doesn't love his/her family is a fiend, One thing i noticed is that the mother never leaves even if the father can keep his pride strong and go, the mother will never leave the child's side, well, at least that's what shows in the majority of my experiences. I was once taught that women were more emotionally stable than men, when my classmates disagreed with my teacher, she took out a big yellow clear book containing hundreds of articles and photos of men committing about coming prepared!!

I never hesitate to spit something out when i have I've often pointed out......I hate keeping things in, this trait of mine assures me that I won't die with regret of not saying something, crying is never my alternative neither is trying to escape,facing a problem gets it done!

( if however, my enemy dies without me saying something, I'll attend the funeral but party afterward!!!....:)......sorry, I was really never meant to crack jokes.)

I'll be posting through automatic settings because of my midterm examinations, so, it wouldn't be possible to reply any time soon ,Tc everyone!! :)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Let them sleep in church!

It is a wonderful blessing to be alive, to breathe air into the lungs, to see all the beauty of the world, to feel the wind run through your hair and walk on soft ground, every time i feel so good i always think of the unfortunate who lay on the streets without the same feeling I get.
I wish i could put some of my excess joy in a bottle or can and give it to them so they'd feel just how good I do on a nice cool morning.

I am a person that utterly enjoys traveling but every time I do travel, accidents usually find me, I get all sorts of injuries but each time I do, i look up and say, Oh, I'm alive....I'm alive? then I'd yell.......I'm alive!

last year was a year full of mishaps and accidents that I won't soon forget, each time I look back, I never forget to thank the one who pulls the strings of my life for still being here, i used to write so widely of death, I now see that those accidents may have been instruments of the divine puppeteer to send the message, "enough! all your talk about death is making the day gloomy!"

brightening up is never really easy for someone who constantly thinks of the less fortunate so I always give the less fortunate what I can, as long as it isn't cash. Looking at my torn clothes after a bad happening makes me more optimistic whenever I'd tell myself, I can always use these as a reminder to take care next time i go the same way, Life is full of opportunities, lacking in trust, if people trusted beggars more, they'd have work, i feel sorry for the old guy by seven eleven, he's so skinny and malnourished but he carries luggage for passengers coming down the bus for a few coins.

I intentionally eat a lot less than usual whenever i feel like feeling the beggars and their pain, I am thankful that I have not tasted hunger or anything straight out of the garbage can, I see so many kids taking their education for granted and many young girls getting pregnant, my sympathy is for their parents, not them directly, because i know how much a parent works to support the family and how hard it is to earn a living specially in an economy that always seem to be going downhill, If I've ever offended a beggar, I apologize for not straightening the moment.

They have every right to be cranky and hot-tempered, why not? they're the ones with brains getting fried each day on the streets, I sometimes wonder why churches have to be closed, It is for the children of the lord and the street people are the lord's children, thy should be allowed to sleep there, holy grounds or not. When it was said that the children should be let unto Christ, he meant the street people as well, it is not I who would be lacking in understanding when I say "let them sleep in church." but it is the parishioners sensitivity in thinking they would make the place filthy, we were taught to be considerate, so let us be so, OK! :)

I was never meant for stand up comedy.

when people ask me if I ever crack jokes,I always reply with a smile, one, then say, "if i ever do crack a good joke, it would be accidental."because I wouldn't know what to say in order to make people laugh, but when forced to answer I tell them " the only reason I'm not good at cracking jokes is because they(my cracks) aren't really good or bad jokes, besides, I wouldn't want to be in the morgue any time soon.

My way of joking is laughing while telling the hurtful truth which seems like insult to an injury for some and confusing, irritating if not psychotic to others or at least immoral. I try to be as least offensive as possible." afterward,I usually see my listener's face display a puzzled look or stare with an uneasy expression, some however tend to answer back with questions while a few catch my bad humor and laugh too, my bad humor is seldom ever displayed, I can always laugh with good humor but I won't ever attempt to tell a joke myself, the way I laugh usually gets me called things worse than bad humans, if you know what i mean, at first sight, people would probably look at me and say, "he's a fat guy with glasses, he's harmless." I wouldn't want them to hear me crack jokes, it may cause terrible things to happen to them if they pick on me.

I also claim never lying, in my defense, I have no need to lie, lying is a bad joke, one that usually only ends up in trouble, the hardest part of lying is never telling a lie, it is facing the consequences after having told a lie.

punishment or retribution and forgiveness, a few of the things people will get after lying if not a heavy conscience, one of the things that keep me from lying is my conscience, when they say, "the truth will set you free." they mean, it releases you from guilt. keep in mind that confessing to murder gets you a lifelong sentence. my point has always been, why tell a lie? It never really gets people any place far from danger or uneasiness, however, there are times when lies work out for some, in my case, I'll take my chances with telling the truth. :)

(announcement, due to the upcoming midterm examinations at our school, I won't be able to log in for four days, please bear with me OK! :) )

Saturday, January 30, 2010

ten commandeeeements? (very short story from one of the pages of my life's book.)

It was only about five years ago, when I attended mass during holy week with my cousin Calin, she was so young and petite that I liked pressing against her cheeks and she'd giggle, upon leaving the church, (at that time she was still learning to read) we passed by two tall stone tablets, a replica of the ten commandments. She slowly read the engravings and said, te'en co-o-man-de-me-ents..............

instead of asking me and her mother what they meant, she surprised us by asking, "kuya, pinagpipilian ba yan?" (cousin, are those of multiple choice?) I looked at her with both eyes gaping wide open in an instant, so was her mother's eyes, after a second or two ,we (me and her mother) burst out with laughter in a very amused state.

pressing against the hair on her head her mom stooped down and said "no, sugar, those are like chores that lord left for us to follow.", she stopped for a few seconds as she searched her young mind for a follow up."why are there many? teacher gives multiple choice or asks if we want to help, why do we have to follow all ,is that tiring ?".

Amused by her precious young mind,we kept giggling and her mother said, "those are more do's than do not's." she looked with a simple look of puzzlement, "how many?" teary eyed with laughter,finally, her mother said, "As you go on you'll understand, but not right now, it may only confuse you, even if it isn't there, the lord left two more, your neighbor like yourself, 2. love God above all." "neighbor? left? where?" my cousin inquired in a low tone, "just be good sugar, I'll read the bible stories for kids to you tonight OK."

unsatisfied, my cousin kept on asking until her mother gave in after all the many follow up questions ,there were so many,even I can't remember!she finally got tired of asking and agreed to just eat ice cream, her mother and I exchanged glances of amusement as we walked towards their place, a few years later (these days.), my cousin still enjoys reading bible verses and looking for clarification as well as the meaning of life.

one lesson i learned was that, "good interest should be planted and nurtured, given time and not thrown away, a little push goes a long way when it counts. :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

from thought to friendship. ( a personal view.)

It doesn't really count how good or bad a person is, he/she will always have sides many may not know about. which is why I personally refrain from judging at first sight, I enjoy being a deep judge of character, In other words, I never call a person anything bad until proven. I never did believe in gossip. :)

But I always did admit that I've been bad at differentiating ugly from beautiful.
I hope my understanding of the human psyche will be more than enough to compensate for my lack of aesthetics.

Each time I see presidential candidates on the news, I never really know what to think of them, but since I am a human I can never really control my personal biases after I've seen them more than several times on television.

When it comes to candidates, I never really give much positive feedback because people are "usually as fake" as possible when they are on T.V and are even less transparent when they're running for a seat.

It usually takes a guy like me well over half a year before I can say a person is my friend, fortunately there are exceptions, last year, I succeeded in making a friend in less than 45% of the time it usually takes.Unless I can honestly tell myself that I know the person has been sincerely good to me from the get go. It's relatively harder to know how long they'll keep being good, one thing I do know about my most recent friends is that they are never the first to turn their backs on me unlike those who try hard to intimidate at first meet.People who approach me with intimidation usually find out how much it hurts when the "victim" bites back.

I've had lots of quarrels in the past and I can't recall ever biting the dust or starting it,I find the sight of my bleeding foes enjoyable, luckily I make lots of good resolutions during new year, but I do have one friend in particular who enjoys making enemies and loves the sight of people with aching and battered bodies after a brawl he started, how I became so close a friend to him, remains buried in the past.

Every time i am asked to give my opinion about someone, I usually say so when i have nothing to say, pretending to know is a futile attempt to please others when it only aggravates the situation.sometimes, i keep trying to be good or close without being friends, there was a time that lasted for more than four years with multiple people, not a single one of them ever became a real friend of mine. Last year, I found out that Angeles city deserved it's title as "city of friendship"
I made real friends there and one thing I do enjoy about making a real friend is the fact that I make one for life.:)

attending sunday mass.

I am usually upset whenever i see inattentive people attending Sunday mass, about two weeks ago, I saw the priest's assistants talking in the middle of the gospel reading and homily.
They were laughing and jeering so noisily that i could hear them from the back seats of the church,so I decided to ask some of them a few questions, I'll only state the shortest.

"Excuse me, Could you please tell me what the gospel or homily was about?" I was even more upset when the priest's assistant said "I have no idea, I was busy with the church instruments."
I wanted to tell him what a big shame it was for "sacristans" or the "priest's helpers" to be in church all day and not know the gospel, or , take a few moments to listen instead of chatting purposelessly.
I left him when he couldn't answer the last question I left him, but first, I followed up with, "Didn't you at least try to listen?" the way he answered was even more upsetting "I was doing something important." he said with an insulting expression, "Which is more important? you listening to the gospel or you talking to your friends, do not play ignorant, I've seen you and your friends doing the same thing you've been doing since the 6:00a.m mass, you've been talking worthlessly during mass weren't you? in fact i could hear your from the seventeenth pew!"

They couldn't answer so I continued, "If you're bent on not listening then let us listen in peace! all your giggling is defiling the church, have some respect will you?"
All they could do was apologize and I got the results I wanted, I didn't hear them making noise last Sunday, I'm not sure whether they took me seriously or they were silent because I sat closer to the altar that Sunday, one lesson I'd love to leave everyone with a self centered attitude is "the lesson of having consideration.". :)

"EJ's journey"

The person pictured on my profile is my beloved cousin EJ, we do not come from wealthy families and I feel very touched whenever I see him together with his father.

It was a few years ago when I overheard his guardian say "sorry if i can't give you all your wants, but i have to put your needs first, study hard and you'll get what you want when you are strong enough to stand without me."

It always pleases me to feel the heart warming connection between him and his father every time i see them together, I feel another page in my life's book being filled, genuinely.

I accompanied them once to the town fair and EJ was looking at the playthings on display, I could read what was on his mind but even I couldn't afford those things he craved.

The look on his sad face made me feel sorry for every Christmas I didn't give him a present, that day was on Christmas itself, I couldn't do anything but watch as he looked on, he gazed at the buyers in an almost mesmerized state.

His father took photos of him and I left shortly to buy some food, while on the way to the food stalls I kept thinking about the moments that children go through during their childhood and I looked back at mine, I couldn't remember much about mine but I was watching my cousin's childhood flashing before my eyes.

I imagined how the early stages of his life would affect his mentality when he grows older, I couldn't do anything so I decided to take EJ with me to one of the rides while his father went to the rest of our companions "how much money do you have?" I asked my cousin in a low tone, he opened his small palm to show me a few bills which he saved from the entire year, his allowance barely gave him anything to work with or save, I didn't want him to spend a year's savings on something lasting only a few moments so I decided to pay for his ride and just watch on.

I realized I had many chances to do so when I was a child and that old cliche' about not crying over spilled milk fit my want to give up a good ride perfectly, I kept in mind that at my age, i had no more need to to enjoy those things.

My way of making myself happier that night was if i made my cousin happy, fortunately, his father came to where we stood and payed for all three of us, that way i didn't have to sacrifice anything,with my good intention in mind.

I decided never to hesitate whenever I had good intentions, as for the action figures my cousin wanted, I decided to get him a chess set instead. but I always did say "my intentions do not waste away, you just have to wait a little bit longer." whenever i tell my cousin that, he never seems to let me down, cause his smile is just as sweet as when I first told him that. :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

obsession with butchering.

Last Saturday at the anniversary of my uncle's wedding, I was tasked with the butchering of one our pet goats, I didn't just butcher him, I made three separate kinds of meals with his insides and meat, the goat was begging for his life and unlike the uncomplaining lamb, he caused such a racket he should have been in a rock concert. It didn't matter cause I killed him anyway, I am very pro-Animal but I had to do as I was Made to do.Although I felt reluctant to chop his head off, My uncle told me to hurry up so i closed my eyes and fired away, afterward I took his insides out and cleaned it's contents and used the juice to cook a Philippine delicacy known as papaitan, Its cooked by cleaning the stomach and cooking its juices with the intestines and blood, adding a little salt and garlic will do nicely after adding "siling pangsigang" (green chili) and some vinegar, it was a tasty meal but after cooking caldereta and adobo from his meat I felt so guilty I had to sit it out, maybe it was the cry of nature within me, filling me with guilt and a heavy conscience, then again, i must have been really tired and hungry.It was hard for me but then again, it wasn't the first time, i felt reluctant because it was the first time I've been given the chance in three years, recalling how many times I've done it in the past gave me back my sense of light joy and a good appetite. :)

Friday, January 22, 2010

surviving pressure.

One thing all employees must hate is a nasty boss, it isn't easy to work when your boss is always breathing down your neck and never giving you breaks it's not a good thing to stay in a bad position unless you really have no other choice, my boss isn't bad at all, in fact he's my uncle (mother's side) I'm glad that he treats all his employees and apprentices as friends, in my case I am not a legal employee but that doesn't make him an illegal employer, after all, we are relatives, I do however, have a friend that works for a vile boss and everytime i see him, he's in a different mood from how I used to know him a few years back, he lost weight and I was a little worried because he seemed severely in need of rest, he's been working for the same crack for two years and I couldn't help but asked how he was surviving.
"I think I'm losing it." he says, I thought he meant going insane, turns out he meant he was losing all ill feelings towards his week day tormentor, he said "If you can laugh at it you can most definitely forget about it and treat it as nothing more than a joke gone bad."
I solemnly believed him until he left his job about a week after our conversation.
When I met him, even before I could say anything he said, "If i work there, I'll die too early, If I leave I might just live longer than you do." we laughed and I accompanied him upon looking for his next job.

my mini success. ( a semi laughable example.)

upon taking a big fall, never think of it as the end, instead, you have to look back and see how far you've fallen and what made you trip. make it a point to never accept anything as a failure but as a priceless lesson, experience is sometimes tough and unforgiving but what softens it more than good will? good will from other willing to help you get up? shoving away the hands that want you is like clinging to the arms that suffocate you, what is essential is usually felt and never seen, do not hesitate to show your feelings, if you have to weep do it and once you're finished crying, wipe your tears and get up, as soon as your wounds have healed you have to try again, it doesn't matter how many times you fall and bruise in a race, what matters is how much distance you've covered, you do not go back from scratch knowing you've started something all you need to do is keep your passion's flare alive. you may find this oddly familiar but what can I say, I'm not very special to have an extraordinary story, otherwise I'd be lying to myself.
There was a time when I was still an upstart chess player, i didn't win my first game until a few years after learning, there was a school player who was fond of humiliating and telling me that I was wasting my time at trying to play, he wasn't helping much but i understood how there will always be people trying to drag you down, but my mentor never gave up on me or let me win against him so I'd know how to play against a pro, he never gave up on me and we still play today,each time I lost as a child I had enough in me to know i had to figure out why I was losing and how to make sure it doesn't happen again, after four years of practice I won my first local games against people who were good at beating me, The prices didn't matter to me because my hard work was pay-off enough, the same person that taunted me during my first two years of playing finally bit the dust when we met over the board and when it counted,I ultimately realized that shoving the bad away will not help, facing it and solving it does it but we should always look back and look for the holes that need patching. :)

parent and child nausea.

Teenage years, the time when parent's are least understood and the children are most assertive.
kids who are in their teens usually feel controlled and need independence while the parent's know they're not ready until they're eighteen and strong enough to stand on both legs, sometimes if not most of the time, the good parents will keep watching from a distance while the least of the parent's will angrily stop caring, teenagers usually feel bad when they are not allowed to go out with friends without understanding that their parents are only being careful knowing the country's crime rate.
Even so, parent's should still weigh thing things before making snap decisions and should loosen up, if you think they can manage then why not? parent's should establish a lasting good relation to their children and the children should maintain it, do not expect your children to follow if you're setting a bad example, it doesn't matter how hard you work, if they see you're a gambler and a drinker they'll have even better reasons to pull away, parent's should always talk in a calm and frank voice each time there is a situation and children should always keep in mind that their parent's are working their bones off in an attempt to keep all of them healthy and alive, the relationship between parent and child should always be balanced, although parent's should be in charge they should also consider what their children might think, its not easy to be an old parent knowing your children are still mad at you and in case the child is wrong it would be hard for them to enter adulthood with regrets, prevention has always been better than cure and if parent's are more cheerful and outgoing with their children, they'll have the impression that they have "cool" parent's and they'll never try to break away, of course, there will always be exceptions, so keep it balanced, if anyone tries this and fails i would just like to say it's not my fault, I'm just expressing my opinion. :)

the hardest part of dying.

imagine being in the last few moments of your life with the ones you hold dear around you, weeping as you slowly close your eyes, what do you think would come to your mind first? is it never seeing them again, what will happen to you, is there anything you've missed in life, is there anything you wish to apologize for, are you willing to accept God, have you been good in your life, are you worthy of heaven, is the afterlife even real and how will your loved ones move on without you?

people often wait for the last moment before they apologize or say something they should have said while they were still strong and able, is it the fear that the other would be too cold to accept the apology? or is it because they fear not entering paradise because of unresolved matters? then again it could also be because of the offender's doing in other words being the victim.
The feeling when near death is a helpless feeling of losing grip unless you die by a quick accident.

Some things are better resolved early and both parties should know how to be open but if the other is badly hurt then there may be no turning back, some people treat death as a blessing, a way of escaping from life's problems and misery, the love of life is sometimes overshadowed by the heavy tides of gloom that are brought by those who are near to us, it hurts more when you are hurt by someone you love but it's easier to forgive ,in some cases however, it makes it harder to forgive, even impossible, I've experienced my life flashing before my eyes in a motor accident so i know how it feels to be helpless, at that time, I realized, the hardest part of dying is knowing how much you wanted in life but having to say goodbye to the ones you love before getting the chance.

dreaming aloud.

If you have a good dream and you know others may not appreciate it, do not be in a hurry to tell them, the best time to do so is when you've done it, it always hurts more when a person is said to have shattered dreams, sometimes, not fulfilling a a dream you've kept to yourself, keeps critics from speaking harshly because they would never know you had the dream in the first place,I'm not saying you shouldn't tell them before you've reached it, I'm merely advising you to declare so at the right time.
Its a good idea to be open to criticism, you'd know if you're critic is speaking for a good cause or just being plain insulting, if the latter is being done then you can always prove them wrong by fulfilling your dream, the sweetest laugh is the last one, failure should never be anticipated, lacking the courage to begin only pulls you down deeper, a little encouragement is usually needed, when asking for advice, ask people who you think can give the best and least hurtful advice, if you seek advice from friends you won't feel as bad as you would when faced with a bad critic, always pick the right dream for you and if you are going to make any realizations, try doing it as early as possible, although regret comes last, the payoff for a broken dream is always sweeter when you know you've tried, your feel only gets better each time you get up from a drubbing, staying committed is the most important part of any dream, never lose your love for what you want or it because nothing more than a spiteful memory.when receiving good criticism or success, keep humble, the people that see you climb the ladder of success will be the same who'll catch you in case you slip. make as many friends as possible, make may but choose only the good ones.

scribbles of my neck pain.

It was December of 7 years back as i was sitting on the branches of my favorite tree,when i first tried to relieve myself of any heavy emotions, i was looking at the stars with amazement and sentiment, recalling how i once did it with someone else made me feel lonely,but realizing how much I've missed them loosened the feeling,I actually missed the sparkles in the sky, especially because the polluted city sky usually covers them from where i studied in High school,for the record, i rarely miss any event,to me, watching them sparkle was an event worthwhile, seeing them after such a long time made me feel near complete but it wasn't enough to compensate for the years I've lost, I treated every single night that I didn't see them as a loss and every miserable memory made me feel weaker at first until that weakness turned to anger and then hate, but whenever i would look up at the star filled sky, i somehow feel a little bit better, I always enjoyed gazing at nature it never bores me unlike most people of my age, the cool December winds pleased me more than a cool drink under a hot summer sun and the light from above made me sleepy, It took a few more nights before i realized that it was almost impossible for a person like me to ever let go of something that made me loose blood and sleep unless I resolved the problem with my fists, i then thought of how people drank and took drugs to help them forget and how some would even take their own lives, realizing how bad their ideas were, my perspective changed, I realized that all the miserable memoirs that haunt me are part of the past and doing something about them in the present would only keep me living the nightmare but i could never keep them in so i got myself a few hobbies, stargazing in my view, is better than any pain killer or drug, i've never taken any illegal drugs and drinking beer wouldn't help much either, why get drunk? I'm already seeing stars! :)

what's fair?

whenever i hear the words "justice", "fair" and "equality" the first thing that would come to my mind was everybody leaving satisfied, but that view changed, each time i hear those words i now see their exact opposites, elections are drawing close and the politicians are blowing their horns in public like they have been doing for the past three decades with little improvement, it's tiring to have to hear the long list of promises they intend to break and they get seats by any way possible, it may not be known to other countries but more than 50 people have died in a mass murder committed here in the Philippines last year, that includes journalists and women, it's horrifying to run against people of strong but painful will.
Each time i walk along the city streets i see children being shoved away by passers by and the first few questions that enter my mind are, "where's the justice and help the government promised?"" why do they keep spending on profit projects when the people they should be putting first are dying of hunger?"
it's pathetic how they say "lack of funds are to blame for poverty" or "overpopulation" when both do not exist, Its a popular practice for politicians to spend on all sorts of road and waste projects while they flagrantly turn their eyes away from those who need it more, it takes thousands even millions up to billions of Filipino pesos to have express ways built, and the reason they have express ways built is because they claim driver's lives have to be preserved, to a common listener, this may seem good, but to a caring individual it would be pointless, how many driver's do we lose each year with or without improved roads? have they ever thought of the hundreds even thousands that die of hunger every year? it's a world of political profit where the few generous are cast away or heavily criticized by the ignorant.
unfortunately due to poverty, some voters will vote for whoever offers the most money or bribe, cheating is a familiar face to any election and many voters interpret the old cliche "vote wisely" as "vote for the richest leech." or something similar but the real problem is that we really do not have a choice, no matter who is voted, it all stays the same, even if the president voted is a good one, it wouldn't matter if the people under her are the same bloodsucking faces of before, its a shame the mother of Filipino democracy passed away last year without ever trying to run for the highest seat when she was healthier and alive, then again, how much difference could one person make?-A lot! If many are willing to follow.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

chess bite.

why many people think chess is a boring and tiring mind game is a matter of perspective, people who want to learn simply need practice and people without enough enthusiasm to learn are usually the ones complaining, you do not need to play 24/7 to get better at playing, sometimes you need to watch more experienced players and take note of how they play then compare it with your own style of play,if you do not have a style of play, try developing one and if that doesn't work try being flexible, being flexible involves learning opening and endgame theory but what's really important is both your opening and middle game, never stray too far from what you know or what you're comfortable with unless you feel like it doesn't fit you or needs improvement.if you're in a hurry to pick up good tactics, you may want to spar with the computer programs and pick up some of their style, try watching chess games on the internet, using a chess book is time consuming, the same annotations are found when you watch games on the internet, nobody really gets extremely good as beginners but there are such things as chess prodigies or people who become good at young ages, not everybody learns that quickly, in fact, all that's needed to learn is a little motivation and enthusiasm but if you still do not enjoy then it only means the game isn't meant for you.

red hot tears. 10 min blog.

Its been well over a decade and a half since the pyroclastic flows and lahar rushed down the slopes of mount pinatubo in Botolan, Zambales Philippines and ravaged everything in its path ways as it impregnated all nine rivers that originated from the Zambales mountain range with over 20 feet of scorching mud burying all the nearby towns and destroying many bridges and millions worth of agricultural profit literally turned to dust.Mother nature didn't stop there as the wind from typhoon Yunya propelled the ash fall further on the already grieving land.
the Philippine aborigines known as the "Aetas" were forced to come down from their mountain homes and live the life of refugees in the resettlement areas, astonishingly, they allowed themselves to be civilized and lived peacefully with the other families even though many of them were still mourning their losses.
on the 8th of June 1991, the volcano gave it's warning shot when some of its vents released smoke, vulcanologist situated at Sitio Moraza in Poonbato Zambales took video footage and photos shortly before it's first major eruption on the 12th of June 1991. Although the volcano was roughly only 2km in height it released ash clouds reaching heights of over 20,000 meters with poisonous sulfur gas, it's a sad coincidence that it's first major eruption happened on Philippine independence day,( perhaps the the mountain wanted to free its insides)
the mountain was relentless as it continued releasing it's judgment on the inhabitants nearby, according to aeta belief, the volcano's eruption was caused by the anger of Apo Mallari, the god who slept in the deepest regions of the mountain who was apparently angered by the wrong ways of man, perhaps they were pertaining to the flesh markets that went out of business during the volcano's wrath, soldiers at Clark air base were forced to move and president Corazon "Cory" Aquino was facing one of the greatest trials at the near end of her term.
Ohter countries promised to help and even if that was a long time ago, we can still see its effects on the lives of all involved, cars that were destroyed by the eruption were auctioned and farm animals had to be sold at cheap prices, the Aetas could no longer go back to the barren land they once called "Home" and the farmers however found a way to turn their frowns upside down when they made products like hollow blocks used for construction to compensate for their loss of agricultural material, through all that misery, Filipinos continually display the trait worth admiring-Smiling through pain.

5 min blog.

earlier I just saw the same street dweller I've been giving coins for the past five weeks and I never missed giving her a few coins or donuts until I found out something about her that really made me think thrice about giving her coins again, it turns out, I had no reason to be upset at all, first of, she was smoking, the first thing that came into my mind when i saw her smoking was how wasteful it would be for a street dweller, i kept thinking about it on the bus and decided to help her out with her smoking problem, i didn't want to separate her from her simple joys and didn't want to let her smoke either for the sake of her lungs of course, so i decided to stop giving her coins......................but that never stopped me from buying her a couple of donuts each time i saw her and giving her those morsels was enough to make her smile each time she saw me, i believe she still hasn't realized I've stopped giving her coins! :)

ajchtar note 1.

In my first blog i hope i do not bore you people half to will see the first this sunday.