Nowhere to Belong.

Attention, care, joy, laughter and even love , things that any normal person gets freely and maybe not easily but they get it anyway, unfortunately, it's not so easy when your'e an outcast, everything seems so hard to reach and even impossible, it's the equivalent of being a modern-day leper that no one wants to touch, listen to or see, it gets really cold, frustrating and annoying, it's the deafening sound of one's silent inner cries of both sadness and longing with a pinch of hate and a spoonful of envy for those who go by easily.

You can't just demand respect, even if you did, would anyone hand it to you on a plate if you've never done anything right? You have to earn it! You can't gain immediate trust, you attain it, you don't get rich by just asking for it (unless you get really lucky) and you can't have everything, there are limits to what's for you, whether or not you reach your goals in life is up to you, but not entirely, sometimes you really can't stop crap from happening, it just does, one moment your up there with your head held high, come the next moment, you might just see yourself crashing down.

Some outcasts are Narcissistic in nature, they do just about everything just so you notice them, this is because it's crushing to exist but be treated like you were dead long ago, it's a state of damnation when you walk the earth, normal people (sadly) may even enjoy picking on those who are looked down upon by the condemning eyes of society. Being different doesn't make you a freak, unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way.

Some of them are silent, waiting, hoping someone will notice them and start a conversation just so they won't be left out, some of them even resort to being push-overs (intentionally), they'd rather be treated as rags rather than not be treated as anything at all, bleeding silently can be maddening but that doesn't mean they have to be push overs forever.

There are people who are desperate for affection and a shoulder to lean on, although no one understands them and usually mis-understand, they still go on, leaving people alone is enough, to annoy them or hurt them is another thing, it's probably not a good thing to test the limits of their patience, silent outcasts are usually like volcanoes when they finally blow their top.

It's somehow unnerving to know that some people are not outcasts because they are too silent, push overs, envious or craving affection, it's a bit disturbing to know that some people isolate themselves for the sake of not going berserk, I've met a few people in life who separate themselves from a group because they find just about everything to be either pathetic or a waste of time and yes, they go Ballistic when angered to a certain degree, it doesn't take much to heat them up, all you have to do is put up your best smiling face and say "Hi!" it doesn't take long before you realize they want to take your teeth and see blood on your face.

One thing most of them have in common is their want for "Love" regardless of how bad they seem, they are usually soft inside, unless you meet the Sociopathic Arsonists like me, we just enjoy seeing things burn, from people's hair (still attached to their scalp) or maybe a sugar-cane farm like i did when i was in high school, the sight of roaring flames just seem so good! well, that's until the local officials come chasing after us and make us sleep at the local jail for a day or two.. there are no regrets though, you can't have everything the way you want it, here's guessing my partners in crime think it was worth it! Cheers anyone?" Never mind that...

Life used to be a search for fun, happiness and contentment, although I've never really realized my goal, i can understand why i was so bizzare in school in addition to which i could understand why i was treated that way, growing up among farm plants and animals, i barely had any idea how to be with other children, i hated their smiles and wanted to crush their joy, the kind i felt i couldn't have, a few years of fishing for wisdom and understanding with the few people who helped me through my demonic urges was all it took to turn the tide around.

A few weeks without them is all it takes to make the boat sink halfway down, but hanging on to something is better than nothing, although many outcasts like me still endure the un-ending misery of bearing others as well as our own demons, were not about to go ballistic and take you guys with us just yet... unfortunately for the idiots who don't know what their getting themselves into, they should start an early appointment with the dentist, they may just wake up with missing teeth and organs in a sewer... >:)

Jerry's Back...

It's been a long time, it feels like ages but here you see me, blogging again, I've been busy with my uncle's agricultural blogs and articles which i find quite amusing and appealing, they are among the few things i value, even though they aren't really mine, i'm happily writing for the open academy site for the sake of making other people look good at the cost of my own stress, over the past months, the happiest of the moments I've felt were barely lasting and sadly they had tears that fail to roll down my eyes which makes them even more painful, at times i was glad i didn't have much emotion left or i'd have probably gotten into serious trouble, getting only about 4-6 hours sleep isn't so easy for me either, although 6 hours is a good number, it doesn't compensate for my need of sleep, luckily, i get a lot of coffee and i have "Real Friends", though they are few they're overwhelmingly more than i could ask for... i'll be writing over the next few days, i'm taking the chance while i have spare time... :)

The rope trick.

I enjoy playing games that involve the use of your mind in reality and not in games that are found on the other portion of your pc screen, everytime I make enemies I play with them before they get a grip of what's about to happen to them, as a man with an extrtemely long patience, I give my offenders at least a year to apologize, after which they have to feel exactly what I've been cultivting for that entire year, One thing I hate about my psyche is that I just can't drop a grudge, once I have been offended, It takes a lot of time for me to cool down and decide whether I should give the person a year or not, sometimes my brothers restrain any possible quick outomes.
You'd never really know when I'm ready to burst, whenever I get really angry, I keep a wide smile on my face, it may seem decieving and I may seem unafffected but that is always the first sign leading to the advent of my hate. No matter how bad a person is, there are just some people that you can't hate, regardless of how much they have offended you or how bad they make you feel but that is only if you actually feel for them, but a person who is indifferent to you can easily be brought to your mind as a person yopu hate.
I've had a lot of good times with my friends and a lot of bad ones too, I never really care if they treat me as a joke because they know when I'm near my limit and I have a very fragile limit that easily breaks unlike my temper which is extremely long and takes a lot of garbage from people who deserve to lose their eyes.
I've had the strange habit of letting my offenders gain a lot of confidence and a lot of pride.
I also let them inflict as much damage as they can so I won't feel guilty after payback time, it's as if they're confidently hanging on a suspended rope, not knowing that I have some really sharp scissors or a stick, a person high up just needs a little gravity to pull them back down.

no title.

I've always pondered and wondered such thoughts that involve deasth and everything else in between, I keep looking forward until I one day realized tha I was missing out on a lot of things I should be enjoying, one of my friends once told me that I shouldn't be contented in staying in such a small box and call it life, He said it was pathetic and that I needed to get out a bit more, it reminded me of a time when I liked seeing sights and travelling, I used to enjoy roaming around Upper Luzon, I guess I still do, the only difference is that my visits to different places seem more lifeless than anything else these days, I feel nothing and the only emotion that enters my mind is one which I can not even understand.
I've had a lot of pent up frustration in life and all this frustration usually exits with people I dislike suffering the consequences, A few people have experienced bearing the full brunt of my darker nature everytime I get upset buit it seldom ever happens, I usually have trees or things to break, Conterntment is supposed to be a good thing and I wish other people mwould appreciate what they have a lot more instead of constantly complaining, then again, there are more things to life than sitting in front of this computer and typing out things i can't even understand, a few weeks ago, I've experienced regret and I believe I'm still feeling it, not as bad as many of my past regrets but still bad, it took my insanity to a brink whrerin I literally wanterd to kill someone.
As I like mentioning, perpective is one of the greatest factors of your personality, I realized that, the way you look in one person's eye is different from the wayt another person sees you, if you are decent to your friends, you may look silly to others, if you show kindness and other peole still sees it as snake actions then you'll never really look good to them.
Hate is a reality, War is a reality and so is love, the only difference when feeling love and hate is that hate is immediately confirmed without much need of confirmation unlike love which sometimes leads the person feeling it to misjudge and re-think what he/she just felt.

Taken....

Of all the things I hate, its the time when I run out of body sugar, these are times when my sugar levels are low but not necessarily out of order, I usually feel the nauseating feeling of wanting to sleep or even get drunk, but I drink a lot less these days than the times when I was still in high-school, with parental consent of course.
There's limit to every other person's patience and I believe the past has made me realize that I am reaching them as I type....

The Woman by the street.

Earlier this morning, I met the woman I've seen on the streets of Angeles city for the past two years. She was a lot less chubbier than when I first took glances of her, the year before but she was still begging......

No Pride...

I'm a person with a lot of anger and tendencies to get into one heck of a fit but I never did have much pride...although there are times when i may seem arrogant, but that's the way i am, I thought to myself "other people with either hate or like me for how i am, so why pick the change that makes me feel bad" it's not like i'm going to kill anyone...

I've done a lot of insane feats and got down extremely low, but I know how to say "No" .... there are times when one must stand up for their rights, Its not called "Pride" when you stand up for yourself, its called "Self respect and Dignity"